Introduction

For those who cannot hold on to faith but can't let go of Christ...

There are many reasons we cry. Tears are a sign of our weakness, our humanity. Regardless of the reason, we cry because we are broken.

We cry when we are sad and our hearts hurt. Sometimes happiness can be so overwhelming we cry tears of joy. When we lose someone the pain of grief can be so intense we cry, a piece of our heart now missing. We cry when we see the pain of others, their pain making our heart suffer with them. And we cry when we hurt or are in pain, either physical or emotional burdened by our own suffering.

We live in a world of suffering and pain, and none of us are exempt from the woes of living. A world that is crying out in pain not only because of suffering, but because of the promise of hope that now seems gone. A promise the Christian church has used to gain membership, but failed to uphold. A promise held in the light of Jesus resurrection, yet dimed by the hardened hearts of its followers. If I seem too harsh, just know this comes from years of eyewitness. Just as the disciples witnessed the wonders of Christ, I have witnessed the horror of the modern church. I am hoping that is why you are here, because you too have an eyewitness account.

I remember when I was five years old and accepted Jesus into my heart; I also remember at the tender age of fifteen crying out to God, pain in my heart so intense I no longer knew if faith was true. Then, just when I thought my doubt was gone it crept back in, and my faith broke. Finally, I admitted what I did not want to, I called out to God that I no longer believed. And I cried, harder than I ever have.

It was not until that moment in the trenches, so lost that Jesus came back to me.

For most who have experienced this pain, it is hard to admit lack of faith in what we so adamantly proclaimed. To admit how the process of doubt has changed us and the loss of our faith is not easy for someone like me who was all about answers. I wanted to know what I believed was true, and so I dedicated a lot of my younger years to proving just that. But when met with unbelief so tangible it hurt, I grieved a faith I knew I would never have again. I was broken, and I needed a Savior again.

Story after story, empty pew after empty pew, many others have felt this loss of faith. A loss so foundation shaking, it is like a home being bulldozed down. I cannot help but think of this C.S. Lewis quote:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Losing your faith can feel just as ground shaking as finding it, and hope can seem far away when the very foundation of your faith is gone. Yet it was when I was homeless Jesus found me, and I saw his tears of blood, heard his cries, and understood. Jesus is not afraid of doubt, unbelief, or lack of answers.

And it was in that moment, I let go of my faith and found it again.

If for whatever reason you found yourself crying today, or any other day, please stay. If you have found yourself weary, tired, and broken hearted, grab a space by the fire, and a nice up of your favorite beverage. We are all weary travelers, and we come to share our stories.

Photo by Anita Austvika on Unsplash